In my last blog, I challenged us to permit a few godly people to ask us difficult questions.  We call that accountability.  We grow when we allow others to confront issues in our lives that prevent us from reaching our potential.

To have others hold us accountable is not always comfortable.  But even more uncomfortable are those times when we feel the need to confront others.

Confrontation is not necessarily a bad thing. But over the years I have seen a lot of both good and bad confrontation.  When those inevitable times come, how can we handle it properly?

Before You Confront

In Monday’s blog post, I suggested five questions we all need someone to ask us about our lives.  Today, I want to use those same five questions, but to ask them of ourselves before we confront others.

WHO

Am I the best one to challenge this issue?  Would someone else be more effective than I?  Sometimes in haste we take up an issue that someone else could best address.  Do I have the moral high ground?

WHY

I need to check my motives before I confront a perceived wrong in someone else’s life. Am I confronting them out of love for them, desiring to help them along to Christlikeness? I may claim my confrontation is on behalf of someone else who was wronged, but is that truly my motive?

Am I confronting someone else to draw attention to myself?  Or am I confronting them to detract attention from something else I know is wrong in my own life?  Jesus is clear that we should not attempt spiritual optical surgery on others when our own eyes are impaired. (Matthew 7:1-5)

WHAT

Before we confront someone, we need clarity about the root issue.  Often, we address behavior when attitude is the actual issue.  Wrong behavior is most often the result of wrong attitudes and values.  When we confront, it is important to address the issue and not attack the person.

WHEN

Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us that there is a proper time and place for everything.  This is also true of confrontation.  Let me just say up front SOCIAL MEDIA IS NEITHER THE TIME NOR THE PLACE FOR REBUKING A BROTHER OR SISTER IN CHRIST.

Plan a time that is as low-stress as possible on the person you need to confront.  Go to them on their “turf.”  I have been ambushed far too many times in meetings.  I can assure the outcome was never good for me or for others.

HOW

I saved this for last because I think it is the most critical of all.  Jesus gave us instructions for how to address others who may have deviated from the path.  We find those instructions in Matthew 18:15-20.  He addresses our dealing with those who have specifically wronged us. But I think these steps also apply when we need to confront a brother or sister for wrongs against others.

Confrontation should begin as a one on one meeting.  As believers, we should have enough emotional maturity and mutual love that we can deal with issues face to face.  Jesus said to go to your brother.  Meet him where he is.  Take loving initiative.

When the one on one meeting does not yield results, then we need to take one or two others with us and address the issue again.  These others go as witnesses.  First they attest to the wrong our brother committed.  But they also witness the spirit and substance of our conversation.  Witnesses give clarity should questions later arise.

A final step, should resolution not come, is to take the issue to the larger body who hold accountability for our brother or sister.  The body can hear about the issue at hand and render a decision as to the most Biblically appropriate steps forward.  All parties then agree to abide by the decision of the larger group.

Confront with Care

Many of us will face times when the responsibility to confront fellow believer will fall to us.   If our heart is right and our head is clear, confrontation can result in growth for both.

One word of caution from God’s Word:

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. – Galatians 6:1